halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
