if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
