I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
