Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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