I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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