You made me cry and you don't even care
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
