It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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