I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
