I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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