I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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