Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
