Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize