i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
