the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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