Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
