so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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