I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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