How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
