Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Randomize
