I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
