Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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