here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
