Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize