To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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