it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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