I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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