she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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