I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
