Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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