Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
