my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
