you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
