And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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