i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
