The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
