You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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