i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
