Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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