i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
