I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
