bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
