Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
