maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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