Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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