go do what you do best...puke behind churches
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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