I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
