I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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