Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
