i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
