His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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