Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
