Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
