would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
