I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
