Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
