Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
