Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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